On getting married

Marry Me Dan RhodesIt is slightly possible that I am a little cynical about what the marriage-industrial complex has deemed necessary for those looking to tie the knot. It might be a reaction to the slew of reality TV shows that have turned a generation of brides into profligate, vain, delusional wannabe princesses who think the whole world needs to stop and genuflect before them on their special day. It may be because the vast majority of weddings I have been to have nothing to do with the couple getting married even though they may have planned every little detail.  Maybe it is because all of the expectations that swirl around getting married make it impossible for some young couples to overcome the disappointment of what happens after all the wrapping paper is thrown away and the first credit card statement comes. It might also be the many ceremonies where the most irreligious of couples pledge left, right, and center to dedicate their marriages to God to the point where you think they are inviting JC into a life-long, platonic three-way–and then they head out to the parking lot for a couple of shots, high fives, and “fuck-yeahs”.

It might also be the fact that I have a big old gay chip on my shoulder. John and I were together 13 years before it was legal for us to get married. Yes, that is right. Our 13-year “engagement” was five years longer than the average marriage in the U.S. And the hets take all of the marriage rites, rituals, and respect for granted. Like getting to do Prom all over again (oh, the gay chip is getting bigger). Certainly the gays are stepping up to the plate these days and grabbing all of the ostentation and entitlement they can get their hands on.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with big weddings, or making the day special, or really celebrating the start of a life-long partnership. My problem is with the fact that too many couples get lost in the trappings and lose sight of what’s really going on. Or worse, they are bedazzled by the trappings into wanting to get married in the first place.

Perhaps it is no surprise then, that I really loved this book:

Marry Me by Dan Rhodes
A shortish book of very short stories all dedicated to the before, during, and after of weddings. Most of these stories are under a page long and all of them are witty, and honest, and biting, and a little wicked. It’s an odd little book that I picked up on a whim at the library not quite sure what to make of it. But I figured if reading one or two lines could cause me to break out giggling in the stacks it was worth a go. And it was worth a go. I chuckled on pretty much every page. It might help to be happily married or happily single when reading it. I’m not sure what someone in a crappy marriage might think of it. In some ways they could see it as a how-to manual. Rhodes does present numerous ways one can cut the marital knot in the most straight forward of ways. There were so many things I wanted to quote here, but I think this one will strike a particular chord with readers/writers/grammar nerds.

“On our honeymoon my wife lay beside me, writing a letter to her best friend. When she had finished, she asked me to check it over. I was glad to help, so I carefully read it through. Her handwriting is very neat, and her spelling and grammar are pretty good, but there were one or two minor glitches for me to point out. ‘See here?’ I said. ‘You’ve written “the most biggest mistake I have ever made” — but it should just be “the biggest mistake I have ever made.” And this bit, where you’ve put “it feels like a life sentance,” that should be “sentence.” I’d only caught one more error. ‘Where you’ve written “I dont know what I did to deserve this,” you need an apostrophe in “don’t”. ’ I explained that it was a contraction, and that it was the job of the apostrophe to take the place of the missing letter. She looked very serious, nodding just a little as she took it all in.”

 

7 thoughts on “On getting married

  1. The Book Cottage July 9, 2016 / 6:23 pm

    My husband and I were married 16 years ago, by the mayor of our town. I was adamant – no wedding. I watched my father have to take out a loan for my sister’s lavish wedding, and continue to make payments even after her – yep, you got it – divorce! I also lived through the agonizing 6 months before a co-worker’s wedding, to the point that I was so disgusted by her behavior that I didn’t attend. I couldn’t wait for the damn thing to be over! Now, another co-worker is planning her sister’s bridal shower and I just can’t listen to her complain about it any longer. Sorry for my rant, but I agree with you!

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  2. Su July 9, 2016 / 6:43 pm

    I’m buying Marry Me totally based on not just your description of it, but on the description of your own life and to celebrate and honor it. Good for you for your …. I don’t know… Just everything. I’m glad you’re who you are and happy and writing reviews like this.

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  3. quinn July 10, 2016 / 7:57 am

    Could never really pick a favorite sentence from your blogs…but this is my fav of this morning!..Thank you.
    ‘It might also be the many ceremonies where the most irreligious of couples pledge left, right, and center to dedicate their marriages to God to the point where you think they are inviting JC into a life-long, platonic three-way–and then they head out to the parking lot for a couple of shots, high fives, and “fuck-yeahs”.’
    Awwwwesome!
    quinn

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  4. Teresa July 10, 2016 / 8:45 am

    That quote from the book is terrific, and proof that everything she said in that letter is probably true, even if not grammatically correct.

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  5. Liz Dexter July 19, 2016 / 4:03 am

    HA! I love the quotation and laughed out loud. We had the smallest wedding we could (10 guests at the ceremony, 8 more for tea, £1000 price tag including outfits) and you know what – no one we told about it afterwards said they wished they’d had a bigger wedding; a fair few said they wished they’d had a smaller one. Oh, and we chose a date after marriage equality had come in in the UK on purpose. I will def look out for this book.

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  6. Linda July 24, 2016 / 8:47 pm

    I never wanted to get married and only ended up doing so because I was laid off and needed health insurance (yay, America!) We had a Justice of the Peace stop by our house on her way home from a meeting and do the least required to make us legal. I don’t mind attending weddings (though I find them eye-rollingly identical to each other) but I never ever want to plan or pay for one. Plus I really dislike so much of what people think it means to get married; like, I’m SO tired of everyone assuming we have the same last name. It’s 2016 for crying out loud. In summary, this book sounds great!

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